Journal 20/04/24

(I’m writing this from a place of depression, as I’m going through a very hard time in my life at the moment, so it’s quite certain my emotions will influence my thinking, so please bear that in mind when reading my words, and be discerning as to what you take from me. Though that is something you should always be doing, whoever you read beyond the Bible itself.)

The Reformed/Calvinist view of reality is that human beings are dead in their sins and therefore incapable of choosing God, which means those that are saved are done so by the free choice of God.

This view is sometimes criticised as people think it’s an affront to God’s character, that he would choose some and not others, when the Bible says that He desires all to be saved and none to perish.

However, for myself, when I look deeply into my own life and the lives of those around me, at times it becomes very obvious that none of us really know what we are doing. Could I really say I chose God? Was I really in control of the circumstances that led up to me being receptive to His call? Do those who reject God really understand who they are rejecting or why they are rejecting him? Why do we do what we do, and choose as we choose? It seems to me that we are all so deeply broken, and spiritually blind, thumbling around in the dark in this life, from beginning to end.

Could my eternal destiny really rest on the decisions of this broken, ignorant man that looks back at me in the mirror? And if it does, am I to understand that as some kind of mercy on God’s part? It would seem rather a cruel lot for humanity to find ourselves in, being filled with such ignorance of spiritual things, and the weight of discerning what is true and to be lived out resting solely on our shoulders. It seems an affront itself to God’s character, to leave something of such eternal importance in our muddied hands.

I know for myself it was God that first chose me. I said “yes”, but I do not know why. It seemed as though all the events in my life had led up to that moment, moulding me just right into someone who would say that “yes.” So how much of that “yes” can I really claim as my own? On another day, standing there as a man of another life, I may just have easily said “no.” And I did not understand in that moment the consequences of my “yes.” I had no idea of the incredible importance of that decision. What a terrifying thought to think how easily and unwittingly I could’ve walked off the cliff edge instead! Is this really the kind of “free will” God wants us to have?

But I don’t believe that. God had a plan for my life long before I was born. I do not know why God chooses some and not others. But I think my knowledge of God is like the knowledge of a glass of salt-water set against the mysteries of the great oceans. God loves us but does not save all, and I do not know why, but I know I am not more compassionate than God, so there must be reasons beyond me.

I echo the prayer of my Lord, Jesus, who prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!” (Luke 23:34)

Journal 13/01/24

I think today I am to learn that I don’t need to have all Christian doctrine figured out. I don’t need to completely understand God and the Bible. And it’s better to dwell a while in the unknowing, as it’s a place of humility, recognizing that the truth isn’t within myself, but I must trust God to reveal the truth to me as and when I need it. Sometimes this desperation within me to have everything figured out immediately is an obstacle to receiving wisdom from God, as it often means I fill my gaps in knowledge with my own theories and human wisdom. It is much better for me to live in dependence upon God, being comfortable with not knowing everything, but also trusting that he will provide the wisdom and understanding I need when I need it. The unknowing is a reality of my life, and for me to accept that is to accept the truth. This is a good posture for me to have before God.

Seeing

Whatever you’re struggling with, you’re not always gonna figure it out on your own, through reasoning about it. Sometimes you just need to sit quietly with your Heavenly Father, because unless He opens your eyes you’re not going to see anything. Wisdom comes from spending time with God.

Clarity

I normally chase answers the wrong way,
thinking through problems anxiously.
But it’s not more data
or an increased amount of thinking
that brings me real understanding.
I have never gotten anywhere of value
in that way.
It’s only moments of enlightening clarity
that have really made a difference.
It’s not that I came upon more data
but that I saw things in a new light,
and there was a certain peace and spaciousness
about the mind,
a simple knowing,
simply seeing and understanding.
I hope I will seek this more,
knowing real change does not come without it.
I hope I spend more time in quiet prayer and reflection,
walking in nature,
spending time with God my Father,
the one who opens my heart.

Self-worth

It’s a hard reality to accept, but we have no power to fix or control the people we love. If all our energy is spent attempting to change others, so we can stop hurting, we will always be hurting. There comes a time when we must take responsibility over our own feelings, and stop building our self-worth on the opinions of others. And if people aren’t giving us what we want, we have to accept the reality of that, and stop trying to fix them. This is the lot we have been given, at least for now, and it’s the only lot we have. If we accept this, and we’re willing to move forward, God will provide all the support we need.

Live in Response to God, Not in Reaction to Man

This is one of the hardest lessons we will learn in life. If our lives and our behaviours are built upon reactions to how other human beings treat us, we will never become the full and complete person we were meant to be. But let’s make no mistake: love comes from love. In order to act in love, you must first receive love. And we think, if our partner, or our friends or those closest to us truly love us, and they treat us how we want to be treated, then we will respond with love and be the good partner, the good friend, the good person we were meant to be.

The problem is, no human being will love us unconditionally, perfectly. If we base our life on how imperfect human beings treat us, then our life will mirror their chaos. We’ll never really get anywhere. Never become something more. So if our behaviour and response to other human beings is always based on reactions to what they do, we will be forever controlled by those around us, blown here and there like a leaf in the wind, and never grow into who we truly were meant to be.

In reality, only God will love us perfectly and unconditionally, with a commitment to our ultimate well-being that will never fail and never change. His love doesn’t depend on our behaviour. His character is not built in reaction to how we regard or treat him. His love for us is a solid, unchanging foundation. This is seen when God chooses to be born as a man called Jesus, who died for us even when we hated him. If we truly want to become our fullest selves, our life must instead be built in response to His love. As it says in 1 John 4:19, “we love because he first loved us.”

Sometimes when people mistreat us or simply don’t live up to our expectations, we want to withdraw our love and care for them. But instead of reacting to their lack of love, let our actions be a response to God’s great love. Let us be the people we were meant to be, and live our lives in response to God. And God has told us in the Bible, if we love him we should care for his children, we should love one another. As he says in John 13:34, “as I have loved you, so you must love one another.” So when we love, we love in response to God, not in reaction to man. Then our love will have a sure foundation.

This is something we will be learning and relearning perhaps all our lives. I know I’m trying now to live this way, and it isn’t easy, especially when we are feeling hurt. But I think there is a simple and practical way to begin with this. Whenever we are tempted to react negatively or to withdraw our love from others, we simply just try to remember Jesus and his love for us, and perhaps think or say a prayer, “God, I’m going to do this for you, because you love me even when others don’t, and I want to respond to you.”

Good & Bad Humility

Sometimes I feel so aware of my ignorance and intellectual and spiritual immaturity, that I can’t bring myself to write anything about God.

I think humility when it comes to knowledge is valuable.

However, there are two ways we can go with it, and one is a holy mindset and the other is a road to utter ruin.

If I use my ignorance as an excuse, I can fool myself into thinking anything could be true, so I will choose what I desire.

But if in humility, I come to God, seeking wisdom from the one who gives it generously, he will lead me from truth to truth, as and when I need it, in His good timing.

So it isn’t bad to admit that you don’t know much, but it’s what you do with that understanding that matters.

Will you use it as an excuse to create your own philosophy, or will you perceive within it your utter necessity of falling at the feet of the Lord and receiving His truth?

It’s okay not to know much, because that’s why we need God. That humility is essential is we are to go beyond ourselves.

But don’t use it as an excuse to say, “well if I’m ignorant, then anything could be true, so I will pick and choose whatever I want!”

Bring your ignorance to God, and ask and receive his wisdom he gives so willingly and abundantly.

I have no wisdom in myself, but there is a very real source of wisdom in God, and he is willing and able to communicate it.

The Rhythm of God

I’m learning to enter the rhythm of God.

Most of the time, I am anxious to be in control of my life, to push my way in.

But now, I am slowing down, waiting for the opening the Lord makes for me.

There is an order to everything, and everything happens in God’s timing, so I no longer need to struggle.

It’s going to take trust, to acknowledge that my whole life is in his hands.

He creates a way for me, I only need to wait for it, and not try to take it by force.

When I feel the impulse to say something, I wait with it, until it is time to place it in the moment reserved for it; its God-appointed time.

I can even let go of the words, knowing they will be given back to me when they are needed.

Then I can relax, knowing I don’t need to control everything and force my will on the events unfolding before me.

He is in control.

He is in control.

Friendship with God

If you want to become a better person, you must give up trying so hard in the wrong way.

I know what I just wrote can be easily misunderstood, so let me explain.

You cannot force yourself into a better person. It cannot be done through will-power.

Even if you could brute-force it, you could not sustain it forever.

Even if you could sustain it forever, you would not find freedom in it, but rather you would be locked in a deadening legalism.

If you try to force your actions to contradict your own nature, you will fail.

As Christ said, it is from the heart that our actions flow, and it is the condition of our heart that colours all that we do.

So if we desire true, lasting change that gives us freedom, our hearts must change. Our inner sickness must be cured.

This is not in our strength to do. Only God can change a heart, and He tells us in his word, He will put a new heart in us.

In Christianity, we are taught to practice spiritual disciplines, but these aren’t intended as methods for self-improvement. That would be missing the point.

The disciplines are good habits that position us before Christ, the source of spiritual power and transformation.

Fundamentally, the Christian life is about drawing close to Christ, who alone can cure our sinful hearts.

As someone spends time with Christ, there is an inner healing of the heart taking place that over time results in a transformed life and actions.

This isn’t a quick process, but takes more than a lifetime.

This isn’t to say we should never restrain ourselves and just follow every evil desire in our hearts. We don’t want to find ourselves in jail or worse!

We’re not trying to take this to some weird extreme, but within reasonable bounds we can relax and not have to battle with ourselves so much.

We know that the real work is God’s, and we learn to let go and let God be God for a change.

We find when we let go, we give Him permission to do his work, and change comes easier when we’re no longer getting in His way.

We can’t save ourselves, but we can come humbly before Jesus and invite him in.

It starts with a simple prayer: “Come, Lord Jesus. Come into my life. Show me who you are and lead me in your ways. I offer you my friendship, and ask for yours in return.”

The End

When you have tired yourself out
he brings you in close,
to lay down your thoughts
and all your power,
in the submission that comes
from having your eyes opened,
knowing that none of the tools you’d brought
were of any use.
Now, you must let him give
and you receive.