I’m obsessed with time. I’m a clock-watcher. Not in the sense of wanting something to be over, or to begin, but in the sense of wanting to carve out time for myself. Now, there’s nothing wrong with having personal time, and I would say it is essential, but for me it has become a source of anxiety.
If I am held up, or something is taking too long, I lose my patience, as I want to get back home to have “my time”. And for me, the evenings and the weekends can never be long enough. So I don’t really enjoy this “me time” that I carve out for myself.
I feel called to a better way to live. I’m resisting though, and it is difficult. But I feel called to hand over all my time to God. To put it in his hands. Then I think I can stop worrying about it.
I always thought that being in control of my time would be freedom. Being able to do whatever I want, when I want. But I’m starting to realize that me being in control of my time is not all it’s cracked up to be. I can never have enough, and it can never be good enough.
But in God’s hands, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can let go trying so hard to be in control of my life. When I trust God, I know that he is my provider, and he will give me whatever I need when I need it.
I suppose I have been a “Time Lord” so long, I’m quite used to it, and there is a kind of uneasy comfort in it. But I’m daring to imagine a new life for myself.
With my own hands on the wheel, I keep revisiting the same well-worn and unsatisfying roads, but who knows where I could go in life, if someone else took the wheel. Someone whose dreams and plans are far greater than I could ever ask for or imagine. Jesus.